I have no idea whether the nembutsu is truly the seed for my being born in the Pure Land or whether it is the karmic act for which I must fall into hell. Should I have been deceived by Master Honen and, saying the nembutsu, were to fall into hell, even then I would have no regrets. The reason is, if I could attain Buddhahood by endeavoring in other practices, but said the nembutsu and so fell into hell, then I would feel regret at having been deceived. But I am incapable of any other practice, so hell is decidedly my abode whatever I do.
It’s now 2021, can you tell the difference from 2020? Our Sanghas haven’t met since March of 2020. Who would have believed that our world could change, not by a war, not by an earthquake or natural disaster, but by something we can’t see -- a virus. It feels as though I am in a bit of a dream. The promise of a vaccine feels like that first buzz of the alarm clock. I have already hit the snooze button, because I won’t be able to get the vaccine for a few more months. I can stay snuggled in my cocoon. Like when I was a child and made little tents around my dark house, protecting myself from ghosts or boogie men, I couldn’t really see. I would sneak glimpses of the outside world, but then pull myself back into the warmth of my blankets.
Over the last days of 2020 on the television and radio programs I’d been listening to and watching all the talk about what a terrible year 2020 has been. I do agree that there have been more difficulties than usual. I doubt that anyone would have wanted the year to turn out the way it did, unless you were the owner of “Zoom,” the video software that most of us now use to stay in contact with the rest of the world. But to say it was good or bad, terrible or wonderful is really not the view that I take. In my opinion, 2020 was the best and greatest year it could be.
Just as you and I are not perfect, in fact, if I were to truly think about myself, I know in fact that I am broken. In fact, the reason I am a Jodo Shinshu Buddhist priest directly correlates to the fact that I know I am a broken human being. Jodo Shinshu is a religion that understands that being broken is okay. We are loved and embraced in our brokenness.
Besides watching a lot of television, I had driven a lot in 2020. Through the 48 contiguous states, I listened to a lot of books on tapes, over 14,000 miles worth. One of those I enjoyed was “Best of Me” by David Sedaris. I enjoy his writings because he is so honest about his life and thoughts. In this book and some of his other books, he has written about his past drug abuse, the suicide of his sister, the verbal abuse by his father, the discrimination he went through as a gay male. David Sedaris is considered a humorist, along the same lines as Mark Twain. It’s strange that his writing is considered funny, given how many times he found himself in many embarrassing and sad, if not tragic, circumstances. His humor naturally arises from his candidness on his feelings about life. I can totally relate to the egocentric nature of many of us 20 and 21st century Americans. As I drive and listen to books, I also reflected a lot about my own life. The honesty in his writing also makes me want to look at my life more honestly. Thinking back to when I was in my late teens and early twenties, to be very honest, there were times when I wondered if it wouldn’t just be easier to kill myself.
I know there are some people who are thinking, “You are a Buddhist priest and you are talking about killing yourself?” Well, since I am writing this article, it means I didn’t kill myself, but I just wanted people to know that “Yes,” there were definitely times when I thought killing myself might be easier than being so broken. Although I always tried to put on a very positive outlook I didn’t really like myself. I have always been fat, I am not very smart, I knew I wasn’t handsome. How many stupid, fat, ugly men do you know that live happily ever after? I wondered if I could even be happy? By the way, stupid, fat, ugly men can live happily ever after, and I am the living proof.
General religiosity and the goody-two-shoes type of life was how I imagined a righteous person should be, a bit like a fairy tale. To get to “happily ever after,” you had to be a Prince Charming or an unlikely princess, like Cinderella. Religion was like searching for the pot of gold; I didn’t believe in any of it. The Judeo-Christian creator god made absolutely no sense to me. The Bible was kind of interesting as a book to read. Joseph Smith and the Angel Moroni were not even good science fiction or fantasy; this was definitely not something I could believe in.
Having grown up in Utah, I saw the conflicting paradigms of my very Mormon friends. Although I didn’t go to the LDS church, I grew up going to the Buddhist temple, but many of the things I learned about Buddhism didn’t really make sense to me either. I knew that I didn’t want to be celibate. I knew that I could not meditate for hours and hours. If I were Prince Siddhartha, there was no way I would have left my life in the palace. I knew I liked stuff. I liked having toys, nice cars, clothes and girls. Therefore, when I thought about my inner life and self, I knew that I was a loser either way. I couldn’t look forward to going to heaven, since I was a sinner from a Christian point of view. I knew that there was no way for me to become enlightened, because I loved the sensual pleasures of this life too much. I was definitely a broken person, as defined by any religion.
That’s about the time when I heard about Jodo Shinshu. When I was younger, there were very few English books written about Jodo Shinshu. Sure, I learned about Shinran and I had seen some of the coloring books with Shinran’s life story, but I had no idea about his teachings. I knew about the statue of Amida Buddha, but was he really that different than the blonde haired blue eyed Jesus pictures in my Mormon friends’ homes?
It was when I first read Tannisho, especially Chapter two, when Shinran says;
I have no idea whether the nembutsu is truly the seed for my being born in the Pure Land or whether it is the karmic act for which I must fall into hell. Should I have been deceived by Master Honen and, saying the nembutsu, were to fall into hell, even then I would have no regrets. The reason is, if I could attain Buddhahood by endeavoring in other practices, but said the nembutsu and so fell into hell, then I would feel regret at having been deceived. But I am incapable of any other practice, so hell is decidedly my abode whatever I do.
Shinran is saying that he doesn’t really know anything and that for him it was finding a teacher that he could believe in. Since he was destined for hell, what does he have to lose? When I read those words, it was about the same time I had met Rev. Haruyoshi Kusada, one of the most amazing men I had ever met. I had also met Rev. Russell Hamada who was a few years older than I was and a student of Rev. Kusada. He had taught me what it was to be a Jodo Shinshu Japanese American Jodo Shinshu Buddhist and the responsibility we have. Something in both of them really made me feel that I should try to learn from them about what Jodo Shinshu really was. As I read Tannisho, things began to make sense like in Chapter nine, Shinran’s student asks him, I say the nembutsu, but it really doesn’t do anything for me. Shinran doesn’t say, “Just study more and you will get it.” Shinran says, “Me too.” I then began to trust Shinran, as he had the same doubts about himself as I do. Now it has been over forty years that I have tried to study these teachings.
Although I say the nembutsu, the feeling of dancing with joy is faint with me, and I have no thought of wanting to go to the Pure Land quickly. How should it be [for a person of the nembutsu]?
When I asked the master this, he answered, “I, too, have had this question, and the same thought occurs to you, Yuien-bo!
Jodo Shinshu is not for everyone. I have never said it is a teaching for everyone. I don’t even know if my children will be able to follow it. But without a doubt, I know that it has been the right teaching for me. Jodo Shinshu has taught me that judging things as good or evil is really subjective opinion. It is all based upon our ego. I have found that for a broken person like me it is just right. There are some who say, and I understand this rationale, that Buddhism is a religion of “No Hope”, but I hope and wish each of you a very Happy New Year. Namo Amida Butsu!”
I’d like you to read this poem by Rev. Blayne Higa that he wrote last April. It is just as appropriate for our current situation.
I‘m not okay and that’s okay
Rev. Blayne Higa
I’m not ok.
I’m not ok I had to close the doors of the temple to protect my Sangha.
I’m not ok I can’t give a hug to someone grieving the loss of their loved one.
I’m not ok because I feel like I’m not doing enough.
I’m not ok the most vulnerable in our society have become worse off.
I’m not ok corporate greed is prioritized over people’s lives.
I’m not ok Asian Americans are being attacked for the color of their skin.
I’m not ok those institutions charged with protecting us are spreading confusion and fear.
I’m not ok we are trusting the words of a willfully ignorant and self-serving President over
doctors and scientists.
I’m not ok some pastors and churches are still holding large communal worship falsely claiming,
“religious liberty.”
I’m not ok some selfish people are endangering the welfare of others by not staying at home.
I’m not ok that people are dying alone.
I am made ok by realizing that temple is not just a building but a community of people who care
for one another.
I am made ok by witnessing simple acts of human kindness.
I am made ok by being part of the evolution of what it means to be Sangha.
I am made ok when a temple member asks me how I’m doing.
I am made ok by slowing down to realize what is most essential in life.
I am made ok awakening to the beauty that is always present.
I am made ok by the sun rising and setting each day.
I am made ok when I chant the Hymn of True Entrusting each morning.
I am made ok by hearing Amida’s voice of compassion in my solitude.
I am made ok realizing I don’t have to be perfect to care for others.
I am made ok knowing we can change our world if we try.
I am made ok knowing that within the embrace of the sacred no one dies alone.
Not being ok makes me appreciate my full humanness illuminated by the Buddha’s light.
Not being ok makes me strive to make things ok.
I’m not ok and that’s ok.
Namo Amida Butsu
~J.K. Hirano